Lost

Just Another Day...
Week...
Month...
Another eon.
Here, Just sauntering around...
Comfortably.
then Hurriedly.
then Panicked.
"Are you looking for something?"
"Aren't we all?"

A Passion,
A Love,
A Home,
A Family.
A Sense of Belonging.
"So, What are you looking for?"
"Nothing."

It's all Lost.
In the Talent,
The Intellect,
The Friends,
The "Friends",
The Loneliness,
The Complacency,
The Sentiment,
The Apathy.
"Are you sure?"
Haha, "Ofcourse."

Those Feelings.
The Blush at the Thought of a Name
The Rage at the Mention of a Place
The Nostaolgia at the Texture of an Old Gift.
Those Connections.
The Faces which have Names.
The Places which have Memories.
"So, why're you here then?"
Umm,"Just taking a walk"

The Lies.
"C'mon you know you can trust me?"

Life Isn't a Game.
But it reminds me of a few.
"Tell me, what're you looking for?"

Mother.

In All Honesty; I was Born.
A feat not easily accomplished without a Mother.
Though I was Born Blue
(Umbilical Obstruction)
But I was Born all the same.
Born.
But was I Mothered?

Childhood..
One of Fear and Tantrums.
The Fear was Instilled
And the Tantrums were Inherited.
I'm My Mother's Son.

I Grew
And Fear became Contempt.
Tantrums became Soul Devouring Silence.
And Inheritance became Contrast.
I was trying to Escape Her.
Honestly.
But from the Day I was Birthed There was No Escape.
I am my Mother's Son.

They say Boys marry their Mothers.
Well.. Women like Them.
And the Thought was Terrifying.
It was a Fate to be Avoided..
"Avoided"
Trying to Escape Again(?)

Then Again. I Grew.
Contempt became Apathy.
Soul Devouring Silence became Inadvertence.
Contrast became Distance.
I Hadn't Escaped.
The Leash just became Longer.
And Weaker.
I guess Mother's mellow with Age
Ours and Theirs
But its Still Horrendous when Emotion is Replaced with Nothing.

So Now
I Feel I've Grown to be Quite the (Bad) Excuse for a Son.
The Feelings (Or Lack Thereof) have gotten to me.
And, Though I Hope I'm still Reparable.
If I'm Not.
All I Can Hope is that My Children's Mother will be Loved.
And that I Wished I Had Loved Mine.

Greyscale

I never did Like Colours.
Always preferred the Nighttime
Appreciating the Silver-Grey Overlay
The Moon's own Interpretation..
Visual Silence.

No need for Hues.
The Saturation set at Zero.
The Distractions Fade.
The Tired Eyes Appeased.
No more Technicolor Assault
Just the Smooth Stylings of Black and White.
And the Everything (or Nothing) in Between
.....
Optical Jazz??

Grey is More Colourful than it Seems.
In its Shades and its Tints
Stories Hide.
Of Adventure, Discovery, Innovation...
Love, Loneliness...
or Aloneness..
Whichever one.
But every Genre; Somewhat Clear
As it fades to White.

Pure Monochromatic Bliss...

We All know the Soothing Caress of Darkness.
Surrounded by Nothing but Nonexistent Music.
Where the Eyes are free to Roam
Beyond the Temporal.
Where Truths Lay...
Able to Explore. Discover.

There is Disillusionment in Colour.
Separation and Incongruence.
It seems Clear Then.
At least to me.
"Everything Looks Better in Black and White".

Do You...

Now
Before You think I'm Desperate because I Asked..
The Truth is:
I Don't Love Me Either...

Well I guess I Assumed Your Answer is No...
I'm Sorry
That's just the Answer my Mind Screams..
Don't Mind Me too much.
As the Saturday Slowly Comes..
Not that I look forward to my Alone Time..

Please...
Don't take my current Deference for Weakness.
I'm Just Tired
Tired of the Silence too..
And I would gladly take a Rest from Both.

Though we Both know What  Who I dream about.
Not that I'm quarrelling..
It's Just that only my Mundane Dreams come true..

But as I said...
Don't Mind Me too much.
Just Answer The Question.  

Dyscalculia

I Have Never Been Good with Numbers.
And though Logic and Reasoning are my Forte
I have all Reason to Conclude.
You Don't Add Up.

This is by No Means Straight Line Logic
Many a Time I have crossed the Why Axes
And Many a Night I have Wondered,
Wandered in my Conscious as to the Illogic of the Outcome.
So much was left Undefined..
Like a Problem without as Answer.

I must have made a Mistake Somewhere..
Anywhere..
Did my working not Show??
These Numbers are confusing me..
Something here isn't right..
Wait..
When was u substituted for x?
and Why?

And even though there are still Too Many Unknowns
I knew before I started..
Whatever Vector is at work here has Unbearable Magnitude
And it's in Your Direction.

Well.
Whatever It Takes.
I will Sit Here.
Whatever It Takes.

I Will Work It Out.

Comatose

Its a warm kind of Darkness

Not the kind Death Brings

More Numb than Anything else

A Naturally Forced Apathy

So I guess it is kinda like Death? 

But Warmer, Definately Warmer.

Suspended in a Flesh Like Medium 

Its almost like I'm Alive.

My ideas take Form and Substance in the Void

Characters, Plots, Sets, Music...

It's almost as if I'm entertaining Myself....

Except I Don't Write Comedies

I lack Presense not Awareness

I hear the Whispers and the Soft Words

Condolenses?

But I Hear My Life Beep

Surely there is still Hope

I fell Asleep some time Ago. 

But I Must Wake. 

She is Waiting on Me

Tearshot

All I want is Darkness and Silence and Music
As the Eyes Sting
And the Afterthought Begins.

When was I Wronged by Happiness?
Why do I Despise it So?
I Loved Her More than I Loved Myself…
Though That’s not Saying Much
A Little Self Loathing
Sometimes Never
Or Never Again.

The Music Knew Before I Did…
And Whispered It To Me Before The Daylight
In Jazz
“It was good while it lasted
We had it all for a minute or two”
But in My Naïveté
I said Not Yet…
Then Yet Came..

What I Got was Darkness and Silence…
No Music
The Playlist is too Fearsome
I Feel Lost.
Confused, Afraid, Hopeful, Empty, Forgotten,
Feeling the Sting Shaping..
Creating Form.

“We Have To Talk”
Never Comforting
She Sat Me Down
………….
Then It Rained.

April 8, 2013